I cleaned up the blog.  Nothing like posting my whole life for the world to see, and yet, gosh, I really needed to tell my story.  I now have No Contact with the family of origin, very little contact with the brother-in-law, and feel better every day.  I have new found friends in support who can validate my experiences through their own.    Some people drink, some people take anti depressants, and some people find a way to recover.  And probably those of us who choose to go through the recovery process are the ones people find the most disturbing.   We talk and vent and try to find others who will help us through the journey.  A lot of dirty laundry people might not want to know.  It's uncomfortable.   So, I cleaned up the blog.  And it's time to start focusing on those things that make me happy.

Too Blessed?

I'm learning.....I need to practice restraint in purchasing clothing for the girl. She grows every year, leaving many items un-used, or practically new. Just when I think, I have enough in one size, a nice wardrobe....she grows! Leaving gorgeous little outfits behind.

Thank goodness for garage sales. I am not scrambling to accommodate her wardrobe like I was last Oct.-Nov. She's getting quite chubby, like some kids with Downs Syndrome do. Oh, heck, it's in the genes as well. Mom was a chubby kid, and so was her brother at this age (he is very slim today). She is not allowed very much junk, and we never eat out, but she is a bit of a couch potato at times. I'm only 1/2 guilty, I think :)

Anyways....good bye to the last of the size 6's. We are holding out for a sweater and a dress in that size. Hello to the introduction of size 10-12 shirts. There's some cute ones, so that feels good. And....I get to start shopping all over again!

only 2 more weeks...

til school starts! We are counting down, both the girl and I. So much of my life is spent WRITING, and I can't get my thoughts out with the constant distraction. I participate regularly on recovery blogs, and work on my own recovery at the same time. I process my life when I write, and it's been a long summer with not much processing going on.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of garden work. Harvesting, and the past week, getting a winter garden in order. Every day I transplant leeks that I started from seed. Who knew every seed would sprout in that package. It's a huge job, that I'm doing a bit at a time. I'm learning. Nothing is on fire, everything will keep, and I can do these things at a pace that my life can handle. Atleast til school starts!

I feel so content in my garden. Now I know why my 93 yr old Grandma H refuses to stop gardening. It provides so much satisfaction, get me in touch with the Earth and God, giving me time to think. Unlike my child who just walked in, and will be demanding my time. I may as well go before she steals the mouse. (one downfall of having a wireless mouse).

Later......

I think I live in a bubble of my own creation. Don't we all? I decide who I want in my daily life, and I'm very conscience of this fact. Our camping trip shed light on this. We made some really nice new friends who were camping next to us. They all smoked, even the 13 year old, but they were nice people.

Saturday on the beach was a different story. Some day picnickers were drinking and having a good time. Desi and I were playing in the sand. These people were a bit worrisome because of throwing rocks, but.....boys like to throw rocks. Then one of the boys, about 12 or so, wanted his tennis shoes out of the car. He made the mistake of asking his drunken mama for the keys. I wanted to say to that child "don't ask anything of a drunk!". Then he made another fatal mistake when he tried to reason with his intoxicated mama. We left the beach as she was slapping his face. Desirae was interested in a horrifying sort of way.

We returned a 1/2 hr later to find the drunken daddies sitting on the beach, throwing rocks. Luckily our new friends were on another part of the beach and provided a nice distraction. The 13 year old girls were diving off the big rock into a deep pool. We played in the shallow parts until the drunks left.

Monday brought another type to the beach. The animal abuser. An old man, hitting his dog on the head with the hard retractor on the leach, then picking the dog up and throwing it. UUUGGH!

A cross section of society that I NEVER expose myself to any longer. I see it coming, and run the other way. I'm very grateful for learning this lesson. Until Alanon, I invited all kinds of scary people into my life. God looked out for me, and gave me warnings, and I heeded them in a contained sort of way. ("I'm never doing that again!", but something a bit similar was okay). Just enough to keep me semi-safe. My psyche was never safe, like it is today. I allowed myself and the family to watch horrible things in movies. Nick was never safe like Desi is today. And sadly, he has to pay for my ignorance. Thankfully Desi will grow up with parents who are in tact, and making better judgments about what we allow in our lives.

Catching up, or slowing down to breathe

I mysteriously hurt my back yesterday, or last night...anyways, I'm in pain and spams today. Pain is always a reminder to me to SLOW DOWN. Since school has let out, I've been on the run it seems. Take the girl to the park, the pool, dance, gardening, cooking, Barry, trips to the river, reading in between times (trying to keep up with current events).....

Last week presented a migraine. I ran at full speed the days following...lesson not learned. I'm a slow learner. Really, does it hurt the girl to stay home a few days a week? Stay home and do nothing but housework, TV, Homework and coloring. She's such an extrovert, I try to get her out every day to do something interesting for a few hours. Me? I could stay home, by myself, house, garden, computer....totally happy. I'm a bit more introverted.

We had Dance Recital the middle part of June. As disappointed as I was last year...as proud as I am this year. The pendulum swings back and forth, opposites. For tumbling. Desirae did 4 awesome, very clean rolls (somersaults), took her bow, and showed off her bridge (backbend). She was then asked to leave the stage, but I know there was more awesome to be seen if she had more time. She planned on doing the splits, and she can go back to front, she is so flexible. Her dancing was good, and I felt she was well taken care of by sweet little Alison. Desirae makes the most DARLING friends. She attracts Angels, where ever we go.

Dave and I explored a bit this spring and found a very nice secluded river beach on a mountain. So, Dave likes to drive up there occasionally. We could camp there, but.....there could be bears. Dave doesn't care....but I kind of do.

The garden is growing great. The tomatoes look awesome. The hot peppers look awesome. The lettuce has been plentiful, and I've frozen a bit of Swiss Chard. We will have Pea-pods in a few days for salads and stir fries. The beans loved the hot dry (but humid) weather, and stopped looking so sick and yellow.

I've been taking Desi to the pool a few days a week, and she is doing great. Not swimming yet, but making progress. We find new playmates ever time we go.

I go garage saling on Fridays. This week the girl was a pill, but it was hot and miserable by 10 AM. I helped a friend clean her house in June for a little extra cash, that was needed in a big way. June was our catch up on our mortgage month (they didn't take enough out for taxes and insurance, etc, through out the year). Just as I'm wringing my hands wondering what am I going to do, God provides. Yep, we live that close to the edge, but atleast Dave has a job, and for that we continue to be grateful.

This week was alot about Barry. I worked on his banking the beginning of the week. Yesterday we had him over for the afternoon. He had an incident so his caffeine privileges were suspended, and we enforce the same rules as his foster home. Not easy, but necessary. We struggle with him at times.

Dave worked a very busy Saturday morning, so last night was his only chance to get away. We took the girl and the dog to the Waterloo park on the Santiam. Had a great time for a few hours. Desirae found her friend "Shuttup John" and he played the guitar for her before we left. We have friends all over the place. Roy impressed everyone with his swimming and rock-diving. We tend to stand out....people don't forget us. And that's cool, except for when someone talks to you like they've known you forever, and you can't place where you met them!

Well, that about does it. I know I have pictures in the phone, but need to check on the girl. No time to load pics right now. Maybe later today.......

A walk around the yard

Come join Roy and I on our morning rounds. We do this every morning, and I do what needs to be done in the garden while he focuses on his business and sniffing all the things that happened during the night. Walking out my back door, this is my Minnesota Alanon Lupine. A fellow alanon gave me the seeds when I lived in Mn. I also have wild flowers sown here.

The beans. I have 5 rows, hoping to freeze (or can) some for the winter.
The hot peppers. Dave made the boxes deeper this year, and hauled in more dirt. He spent a month of weekends working to make the garden better.

Tomatoes with a row of radishes in the middle. The radishes will be gone soon, they are almost ready to harvest.

A baby bean. Babies are so precious, even baby plants.

Onions, leek, and garlic.

The little grassy looking plants are baby leeks. This is a project, to have onions year 'round. So, I'll be sowing new seed in from time to time.

Another project, to have greens year 'round. This is lettuce, chard, cilantro, and spinach. I also sowed more lettuce and collard greens recently.

Bell peppers, brussel sprouts, cukes, and yellow crooknecks. The brussel sprouts had to be squeezed in, they were a gift from friend. If everything grows well, this will be crowded. This is a new longer box Dave made from what ever we had laying around this spring. I love it.

A baby cucumber.

And the neighbor's golden rain tree as seen from our garden.

A Walk around the Yard, continued.

The plum tree

The apple tree

The pear tree

The peach tree

The peach leaf curl---this is a fungus that occurs during wet cold springs. It does not make me happy. Neither has the wet, cold spring.

A volunteer baby pumpkin

Zucchini and pumpkin planted here.

Don't know what this is, but I like it.

And this is the only thing I can grow on this hill. Volunteer trees. My own Christmas tree lot.

Missing Dance Class

I took these pictures the week Desi was recovering from her tonsillectomy. She was missing dance class and her friends. She came out in her leotard, ready to go. Of course she couldn't and it was the wrong time of day, but none of that mattered. So, I let her practice. Really, I couldn't stop her. She was bored!

Ran to her room quick for a costume detail. Added purple winter cap.

Whole new costume. Love the spring colors. Good attention to detail with necklace, hat and purse.
That hint of belly is very cute, when you are six.

And those heels are to die for!

No More Tonsils (nor adenoids)

Desirae woke up this morning full of spit and vinegar. No more pain medicine for her. It was a struggle to get the antibiotic into her. She is protesting eating and drinking as well. She will....when she gets hungry. She's drinking when SHE is thirsty, all good signs. The picture above is my girl, with all her tonsillectomy props. The puppet "Troll" is one of her favorite toys, and he made the trip to the hospital with us.

This beautiful little quilt was made by the Volunteers for Sacred Heart. It's stamped with an angel and logo "Comfort Angels". How SWEET, and what a neat treasure. We've since referred to it as Desi's Tonsil Blanket.

This book was mine when I had my tonsils out. Copyright was 1966, but dated Nov. 24, 1967 by my Mom. Desirae is LOVING this book, even though Mary Anne stayed over night in the hospital. We were let go 3 hrs after surgery. Times have changed! I have no idea why this book has been with me all these years, as I have never paid any real attention to it.. I can only think the reason was divine. It's resting on the bed with my little girl as I type.

We missed it again!

March 12th. That ever elusive date. Dave and I had a church wedding that day 5 years ago. It never fails, we both forget. *Sigh, at least we BOTH forget, and there is no blame.

I felt married the day I moved in with him. I never had anyone do so much FOR me, to help me, to lift me up, put me back together. I was so ready to start a new life and ready to trust what God was so freely giving to me in another individual.

So, when we were "shacking up" in my Grandma's house, it never occurred to me that anyone would be a bit put off. I felt married. After going through a divorce, one knows that the church wedding and the signed paper means very little compared to the COMMITMENT that 2 people make to each other in their heart. We planned on getting hitched some day. Dave always wanted to. I didn't care. So, in declaring bankruptcy, after taking our California bills with us to MN, we decided it was monetarily beneficial to marry. And Grandma really liked the idea.

In my heart, I married Dave at the end of July, when I moved in with him, and he signed the paper allowing me to buy my very own new car. It's an old story, I repeat about twice a year.

Me and Politics

I was pushing Health Care Reform in a big way on my FB page. I probably made more than a few angry at me, and perhaps people are now even hiding my posts. I'm very disappointed in what came out of this. We got a bit of Health INSURANCE Reform. I don't think it's enough, or that it will work very well. But, it's a start. I'm letting it go to regroup and come back for another day, feeling brighter that Reid has announced there will be a vote for a Public Option in a few months. I'm not holding my breath, it might be just a few words to pacify the Left.

I considered my self a Moderate until Health Care Reform. My first husband (and his family) were liberals (bordering on radical) and I had politics shoved down my throat repeatedly. I had the Bible used against me, and I learned to shut up if I didn't agree. When I left that marriage, I didn't even want to hear about politics. When it was time to vote, I read up a bit and made up my own mind in private. I supported GW Bush during 9-11. And life happened.

Desirae was born, and I had awesome insurance. I had her in the hospital where I worked, and we never received a bill. We had a few copays for all the technical procedures, but nothing we couldn't handle. Then we moved to Minn. And we found out that getting benefits for the whole family was becoming more difficult.

There were times when Desi and I were not insured at all. And just as I was getting up signed up for Minnesota Care, Dave's family went into crisis mode, and we had to move to Oregon. Dave's mom died unexpectedly, and his Dad actually got a bill from the hospital. Poor man, had bone cancer, was not going to be able to meet his mortgage, and he gets a bill from the hospital for pronouncing his wife dead. And she probably died because he refused to call an ambulance because it would cost $1000 (that's what he said). They were on Medicare with secondary Blue Cross coverage.

I took a job with Sacred Heart/Peace Health as a housekeeper, thinking that the benefits would outweigh the fact that I did not like cleaning all that much. Guess again. I got the standard $1000 deductible/80% coverage. Okay, better than nothing. I had to pay $200 a month to cover the family. Desirae was 2 1/2. Insurance sure had changed. I went from no premium/no deductible/90% coverage to this in less than 2 yrs. Then Dave secured a good job, lots of overtime, average insurance, and we felt that I could finally quit my job. We bought the house we had been working towards, and started a new life. 5 months later his company laid off 70%. None of us had insurance, and Cobra wanted $1200/month. Dave was on costly meds to control ulcerative colitis.

Life was not good for a few months. President Obama promised change, that things would get fixed, so we voted for him. And I started taking an interest in politics. On my own, making up my own mind. For the first time in many years.

We also over see the care of Dave's brother, Barry, who sustained a head injury in his early 20s. He is 48 today. So, we are responsible for Barry, and for Desirae (age 6 w/ Downs Syndrome). I started thinking about what our lives would look like without SSI and Medicaid. Because now Desirae is also covered though these programs. It's pretty difficult for me to work, having Desirae. She gets sick often, and takes longer to recover than the average child. Yet, managed those 2 years I worked at Sacred Heart. Without SSI and Medicaid, Barry would be living with us as well. He takes a cupful of meds every day. And he needs constant supervision as well. He does things like forget that he's cooking or lighting a cigarette off the toaster. He would be living with us if it were not for social programs. Not only would I not be able to work, but we would have to pay for his meds and his medical care. This is what people experienced before SSI. There are political parties formed (Regessives and Libertarians) that want to do away with SSI and Medicare. Holy Crap! Do they have any idea of the poverty that would happen?

Many other countries in the world have Universal Health Care. We send people over to study and look at their systems. I've heard no other country studies our system for implementation. That says a lot.

Recently the State of Oregon cut Medicaid benefits to people like Barry, and we were asked to pay for his dental work and dentures. I called our state officials to plead his case, and thankfully Medicaid will cover it....this time. Shortly there after, Dave was handed a $7,000 estimate for his needed dental work. It just never ends!

We arrive at our ideas because of the life we lead. I've not had a sheltered life. I've not had the help and support of family on a consistent basis. I've worked hard, am independent, and have very little to show for it. Except that I'm happy, and satisfied. I KNOW from my childhood that material wealth is a trade off with inner peace and happiness. The one area that keeps irritating me is health care. So... this should explain why I have the views that I do. And I will continue to do my part in the fight for Single Payer. However small it may be :)

Tuesday's Treasure

I can't believe I thought of this....and it's Tuesday. This is the cookbook my Grandma Helmrichs gave to me on my 10th birthday. It's been used ever since. This is the BEST cookbook for those basic recipes like banana bread or pudding, éclairs, cookies...and it has meat charts and spice charts, equivalent measures. Everything a new cook could want.

My mom would get a roast out and tell me to put it into the oven at 4:00. I had no idea what to do, so I would call my Grandma. After a few times she would ask if I had looked at my cook book. So, out of necessity, it was used. Often and frequently.

It was one of the best gifts I've ever received. It gets used less today, with my gluten/dairy free cooking, but I'm learning to convert, and I still use some of those basic recipes.

Included is my grandma's apple cake recipe, and that will be shared later.

What do you do?

I never quite know what to do when I hit send and maybe I shouldn't have. We ALL have bad days. Some of us have a "blog of pretty things". That's nice. Real....not so sure. And then again I've stepped into some blogs that are diatribes of all that's wrong in the world today. People blog on so many things. One other time when I decided to "be real" on my blog, I deleted it a few days later. It's kind of like asking someone how they are. I've replied "Fine, unless you want the long version". People laugh, and most pass. A few have actually wanted the long version. And that can be awkward as well.

I love my life, but most days it requires big girl panties. If I can't put those on in the morning, chances are you won't see me. On Friday, I ventured into bloggy world without getting dressed. I did not venture out in public, except to do what was absolutely necessary. When I have nothing to give...what comes out is not worth getting! I just thank God that most days are good.

A few quick takes of life recently--

We finished fencing in the back yard. Or I should say Dave finished, as I didn't much fencing. But I sure love the rewards! My days have been made easier, sending Roy out instead of walking him or checking on him every three minutes. Walking him is great unless I have both him and the girl and it's raining. I swear this week, I did not see him poop even once. I just sent him out the back door. Cool. And the girl can go out and play on her swing by herself as well. I love it!

Yesterday was spent hoeing the weeds out from my garden boxes while Dave overhauled the garden tractor/lawn mower that is ancient. Then we went to home depot and got boards for making my garden boxes deeper. We have mushroom compost sitting outside to complete the garden project, and then I'll start planting. Spring is here!

This coming week we have a ton of Doctor appts---getting ready to lose Desi's tonsils and adenoids. It's also spring break.

I'm starting to feel better, taking glucosimine along with my vitamin regimen. And I received a good dose of sunshine while hoeing the garden. The vitamin D deficiency was kicking my butt, and while I feel better, am still not 100%. A small loss of sleep sends me into a tail spin.

My parents are doing well after both having procedures. My Dad is high on life cause not only did he get a second chance, he seems to be more energetic. It's neat to talk to him these days. Mom's recovery feels a bit slower to her, a knee replacement. She has the post-surgery exhaustion going on.

~~~~Hope this finds you all well and happy~~~

HALT! (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired?)

That would be me today. I have a cold...it's getting better so I didn't take benadryl before I went to bed last night (because I'm out, and forgot to get more yesterday). Mistake---I was up all night coughing, disturbing the whole house. Even the dog complained at me. Desirae wet the bed, so had to get up again for that after I settled down a bit. She has an accident once a month or so. I can't fault her. My whole world was painted black before I got up. I begged my hubby for a few hugs and got some more when I woke up the girl.

Being tired makes me hungry. Being tired makes me resentful. Then I start to feel like nobody likes me, and I get lonely. Poor me, on the pity pot. I don't indulge pity often, and I work my way out of it pretty darn fast compared to my previous life (before Alanon). But DANG, that's a black hole! It appears just often enough to remind me not to venture near on a regular basis. I guess we all need reminders.

My thinking becomes distorted. Like...here's an example. My cousin on FB posts these quotes about having a good work ethic. In my resentful, pity me mode, I believe these quotes are directed directly AT ME. And then, it's the fault of my FOO (family of origin) for telling the extended family what a stupid and lazy person I am. And then....OMG! Everybody hates me. And then I go over all my faults with a magnifying glass, and there are many.

Just the facts, please!

The fact is I'm TIRED. I will replace the benadryl for tonight, and not be tired (hopefully) tomorrow. I will plan for a nap or a rest this after noon. And I will replace the negative thoughts with gratitude.

A Few of my Favorite Things

Nothing makes me feel gratitude for my things as when I decide to bake in my kitchen. I've been through all walks of life, like most of us have. Apartment stoves that don't work,baking pans that would warp and twist as the heat hit them, mis-matched dishes and utensils. I may never have granite counter tops, and custom made cabinets, but I got my stuff that works for me. And I like that. I love, love, love this batter bowl and measuring cups. The batter bowl came from Dave's mom, and some of the measuring cups. When we left California, I had to part with so much of my kitchen stuff. I missed my stainless measuring cups, but Lynn had this mismatched set that suits me perfectly. I'm not a big fan of tupperware, though I do use those measuring gadgets as well.

Today we are making Grandma Helmrich's apple cake. Look at the size of the Red Delicious I found this week. Can we say "bio-engineered"? One apple = 3 cups. I won't be buying many of these, but I just had to show Dave!

This is my mixer that my dear husband gave me for a birthday present. It took me almost a year to try it out. (I was working at the time), and I'm not impressed. Sorry, Kitchen Aid. I would like a mixer that mixes to the bottom of the bowl instead of leaving hard clumps of floury dough on the bottom. However, it beats trying to mix cookie dough by hand, or burning up my hand mixer .

My little chopping bowl I bought many years ago when I worked at the melon farm in Ottertail, MN. This is great for quick chopping some nuts or garlic. And my mom gave me the food processor when I broke mine putting up cabbage in Minn. Again, it took years for me to use this processor. When I finally decided to use it, I loved it. I like to hand chop with my french knife, but that sure is time consuming when making salsa. And my set of Chicago cutlery is shown here as well. Not the highest quality, but it takes an edge and holds it, quite nice.

I had to get a picture of this silly corner shelf. What do people think when putting a kitchen together? I was stumped about how to use this shelf until I unpacked our turn-table we purchased at Ikea years ago. That turn-table had no purpose, but we liked it. Today, it has a great purpose.
A sneak peek at my pots and pans. Thanks to Dave's mom, I have different sized muffin pans, cheese-cake pans, a big turkey roaster among many other pans. I'd rather have her back, but when I use her bakeware, it's kind of like she's nearby.
And this is our new-off-Craig's-list stove. I love the ceramic top. If I can't have a high quality gas stove with all the bells and whistles, then this will do nicely.

Valentines at School

On Friday I was privileged to attend a Valentines program by the Kindergarteners at Desirae's School. The girl in the pink fur trimmed dress is Desirae. Perhaps a bit over dressed for the occasion, but she loved it. We love that dress, and we rarely have fancy occasions to wear it before she will outgrow it.
They sang Tom T. Hall's song....I love little fuzzy ducks...very cute over head projections to go with the song.
And a duet. "One little, Two little three little valentines....." It was a trio, but due to an absence it changed. Very good performances from all the kindergartens!

St. Mary's Peak

This is the view from the top. We drove most of the way, then a short hike...less than a mile to the very top. It seemed longer going up!

Dave and Roy. In the background are giant balsam firs, or something similar. It took us awhile to identify these trees.

And a waterfall. There is a man-made drain for this fall.

We have to credit FDR for our wonderful national parks here in Oregon. We have the pleasure of using stone steps, created under the New Deal in many areas. This labor intensive work stands the test of time, and we enjoy it very much!

House Rock Falls

On the spur of the moment, we decided to check out a new waterfall. This is connected to a campground I am dying to visit this summer. It has very nice camp sites right on a river. This is one of the views as were are hiking to the fall.

Another view. Every one is having a good time. Desirae is hiking great, holding on to our hands in the skinny steep parts. Roy-dog is in Dog Heaven.

A shot of the waterfall before we climbed down to it.

Desirae's face as we were standing as close as we could get. It wasn't a magnificent water fall, but a nice way to spend a sunny (!) Sunday afternoon.

The best picture I took of it.

Another little stream coming in from a different angle.

The hill above us. And as I was snapping this shot, Dave lost his footing and fell in. I looked down and he was on his back, head first, boot caught in a log. Our first scary accident out hiking. Luckily enough, he was able to free himself, and climb back up to us, only getting half wet in the icy water. With some bumps and bruises for his trophy. He's been accident prone this week. I'm not liking it much.

A good picture of Roy as we're hiking back.

Even if Dave is half wet, Roy needs the full immersion method. He's a water dog and must swim every chance he gets.
And here's the water-girl. Doing her best to dip the piggies. I was amazed her feet were dry when we got back to the car. In fact we all had dry feet! Hiking boots are great.

Then it was time for the work. No one wanted to go back to the car, except for Dave, who was wet. We coaxed Desi all the way there, by singing and marching and walking backwards. Fortunately, I keep a duffel bag of old clothes for all of us in the wagon. Dave put on all dry clothes, and we put some dry pants on Desi. Roy got toweled off, and we were on our way. 1/2 way home, Dave thought he lost his cell phone either in the car, or in the river when he fell. I tried calling it...no reception. Soon my phone rang. Someone found his phone! Apparently he set it on top of the car and it fell on the highway, and a nice young couple picked it up and found us. We pulled over when we got the call, and 2 minutes later, they delivered the phone. How cool was that!

What an adventure this time. I wish I had gotten a picture of Dave getting wet, but I was freaking out.